Mosaic
by abovethenightsky
Summary: Through the years, the pieces fall into place. It takes Lelouch and Suzaku a little while to learn, but eventually they do. Follows the dynamic duo through R1 and R2, and cycles of fluff, angst, and forgiveness. Suzalulu and some canon pairings. SPOILERS.
1. Beginning

**Beginning**

Lelouch and Suzaku, contrary to expectations, did not get along when they first met.

Genbu Kururugi had thought they might, two like-minded boys of the same age, and that's why he'd consented to take little Lelouch vi Britannia in (not that he'd had much of a choice). Suzaku needed a friend his age.

But the Prime Minister's son was every bit as proud as the Britannian Prince, and that was the problem. Both boys had their strengths and their weaknesses, every inch polar opposites. Lelouch did not enjoy feeling weak, but Suzaku always outran him. Suzaku did not like feeling dumb, but Lelouch always outsmarted him.

Eventually, Suzaku recognized Lelouch's capacity to love when he saw how the boy cared for his poor, blinded sister, fussing over her every moment of the day. And it made him wonder about what Lelouch really was. Who he was.

Lelouch saw Suzaku's capacity to love when the other boy helped him. It was amazing what a friendly hand when he stumbled, or someone to confide in when the world grew to big, or another person to entertain Nunnally could do. He asked Suzaku why, why he helped him, and the only explanation he ever got was:

"Because if you're always taking care of Nunnally, who's going to take care of you?"

Suzaku held his hand and pulled him up the hill, and somehow it all made sense.

--

When the young Britannian soldier who disarmed him in the truck turned out to be Suzaku, Lelouch was wary, but thrilled.

When Suzaku smiled at him, he remembered the spring in Japan, and the games they'd played, and he let his guard drop.

When they army shot Suzaku, the happiness dissolved.

Lelouch's fantasies were always rather ephemeral, anyway.

--

Suzaku felt like controls to the Lancelot digging into his palm, the gunshot wound in his side stinging. He tried to remember all that Lloyd and Cecile had told him about operating the machine, tried to concentrate, but all he could think of was Lelouch, Lelouch, after all these years, Lelouch. He almost looked the same, he almost _sounded_ the same. Those same piercing violet eyes…

And he might be dead, killed by the terrorists, an innocent. Even worse—Suzaku held no delusions on _this_ front—he might have been killed by the army, as Suzaku had almost been.

The only way to find out would be to venture into the thick of battle with this Knightmare prototype. The buttons buzzed under the pads of his fingers, waiting for him to press them. Waiting for the okay to go.

"Lancelot, ME Boost!" was what he said.

_Lelouch, I'm going to save you, _was what he meant.

--

_Suzaku, I'm going to save you,_ Lelouch thought.

He knew that Suzaku had been framed, the proverbial scapegoat. Lelouch had killed Clovis, Lelouch had—it made him sick to just think about it. He closed his eyes and clenched his fists and forced himself to look away from Suzaku's tortured face on the television screen, a prisoner of the system to which he'd so willingly given himself.

He would sacrifice everything, now, for that same system. Everything.

A chilly, numbing rage weighed down on Lelouch's soul, suppressing all of his other emotions. This was why he hated Britannia. This was why. They trampled over the innocent. Innocent. Like him, like Nunnally. Like Suzaku.

_But realistically,_ something said, _if it had been someone else, anyone else, would you care so much? If they hadn't hurt Nunnally or Suzaku, would you see them for what they are?_

He pushed the skeptical part of his mind to the side—he didn't need _that,_ not now, and besides, he wouldn't let someone die in his place—and began to plan. If he were going to rescue Suzaku…he had the power. He just needed some help. He needed a new face. A mask. He needed a name.

He closed his eyes, and felt the lack of butterflies in his stomach, lack of apprehension, lack of any feeling at all, looked back at Suzaku, who had always been so strong. Suzaku was just a Number to them. A number.

Well, Lelouch would be a number, too. A number, and not a number.

_Zero_.

--

But the White Knight never wanted to be saved. Not if salvation meant compromising his morals, however misguided and misplaced they may be. Lelouch almost hated him for it, but couldn't.

"Idiot."

Suzaku, as he walked away, almost smiled, because an old friend used to call him that, too.

--

When they went out to the rooftop, Suzaku could breathe again. It'd been a long week.

He and Lelouch stopped talking a little while ago, but it didn't really matter. They'd said everything they need to say. Suzaku could feel Lelouch's relief more in his smile than in his words, and knew that his friend had never once believed him guilty of the crime he hadn't committed. Thank goodness. The someone who still had faith in him happened to be the one who mattered.

Suzaku never thought he'd see anything as beautiful as the rolling green fields, sculptured gardens, and whitewashed archways of the Ashford Academy. He sighed, thinking rather giddily that they made a nice background behind Lelouch's head, that the other boy looked like the subject of a portrait. Leaning his head on his palm, he couldn't help but think that Lelouch had grown up rather beautifully as well. In a way.

That was a strange thought, but there it was. Lelouch, Euphemia…there were so many beautiful people in this world. Despite everything, despite the nagging little thoughts that it could not possibly, possibly last, Suzaku considered himself, for the moment, lucky.

Lelouch was very, very Britannian. The strong jaw, the light, shapely eyes, the straight nose. It was funny that he looked so much like something he hated—his words in the truck brought that to mind. How funny was it, then, that Suzaku didn't look very Japanese, and Japan and its people had to always be his first priority, even when he was a soldier?

"Hey."

Suzaku tilted his head to the side. "What?"

"You were staring," Lelouch said with a small smile. "Is there something on my face?"

"Oh, no." A slight breeze ruffled Lelouch's hair. It looked soft; Suzaku wondered what it felt like. He cleared his throat. "I'm sorry," he finished awkwardly. "You've just…grown up."

Lelouch smiled and put a hand on Suzaku's shoulder. "You too."

Suzaku froze as Lelouch's eyes grew unfocused and he toyed absentmindedly with the collar of Suzaku's uniform. His fingers brushed Suzaku's neck, just for a second. It gave him goose bumps. He wished…

"We should go inside," he said nervously. "I don't want to miss class on my first day."

"What? Oh…" Lelouch withdrew his hand. "Sorry, I was staring off into space again. You're right. We should…we should go inside."

Suzaku laughed off the butterflies and tried to make a joke about Lelouch's skipping, but his head was oddly empty.

--

_Idiot_. Why did Suzaku insist on acting like strangers when they were school? How dare he? Idiot idiot _idiot_.

Of course, Lelouch knew that it was for his own good and, of course, he knew that Suzaku was right and that he was being selfish, but this was unbearable. To have Suzaku somewhere close, after all of these years, and to be unable to talk to him…

It was for Suzaku's sake only that Lelouch wanted to be near him. That's what he told himself, trying to put that strange urge to touch Suzaku which had almost overpowered him earlier out of his mind. He was worried, that was all. His friend hadn't acted like this when they were children, and this newfound stubbornness would get him killed. His job in the army might beat stubbornness to it. He was a well-meaning, stubborn, lovable danger to himself. And if he couldn't see that, then Lelouch had to see it for him. Had to make him see it.

He drank the tea that Sayoko had graciously provided and sighed. He was going to protect Suzaku, whether Suzaku wanted it or not. Drumming his fingers on the countertop, he stared at the liquid in the cup, thinking. First Nunnally, now Suzaku…how many people was he going to protect? As Zero, he had taken all of Japan in his hands. If he succeeded…he would have all of Britannia. How many was too many?

How far would he have to go, for all of them?

No, he couldn't afford to be thinking like this. It was just because it was late. He thought of Nunnally's smile, of Suzaku's relief, and knew that he had only one path to take.

--

"Thank you."

Suzaku, who had been studying the ground at his feet as he walked back to the Clubhouse with Lelouch, looked up. His friend was studying him oddly. "For what?"

Lelouch laughed. "You've already forgotten? Saving my life. Although you seem to be in the business of helping others."

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Oh." Suzaku smiled, glancing down at the newly-christened Arthur, who, tired of hissing, had fallen asleep in his arms, his tail swishing back and forth absentmindedly. In his sleep, he was easy to love. "Well, it was nothing. I know you would have done the same for me."

"Yeah, but I would have dropped you." Lelouch looked at Arthur with wonder. "To think that a cat could cause so much trouble…why were _you_ chasing after him, Suzaku?"

"Huh? Oh, you thought…for the 'reward?'" Suzaku shook his head, his cheeks growing hot. "It wasn't for that. I mean, Milly said to catch it. Besides, I thought…I'd be accepted. It seemed silly, but I thought that if I caught the cat, they would like me."

"Well, they do."

"I think that might have more to do with saving you," Suzaku admitted.

"Look, they would have come around anyway. And even so, Milly would have made you kiss someone if you'd caught him by yourself," Lelouch pressed.

"Yeah…" Suzaku thought of the girls on the Student Council. Milly, energetic but a little too intimidating, Shirley, who was pretty and nice but obviously, _obviously_ in love with Lelouch, Nina, quiet and xenophobic, and Kallen, who…well, he hadn't formed an opinion of her yet. He wasn't going to judge any of them right now, he just didn't think that he could kiss any of them, and he was fairly sure none of them wanted to kiss him. Besides, he didn't really know them all too well, beyond those shallow first impressions. It would be far too awkward. The thought had occurred to him before of another option, but that would be almost unthinkable. Still... "I would have refused. It would have been unfair to force my poor kissing skills on any of them."

"Oh really?" Lelouch teased.

"Well, I wouldn't know, actually," Suzaku admitted. "I haven't had the chance to try. I can only assume." Lelouch looked down. "I'm sorry, was that too…?"

"No, no," he said. "I just…"

Suzaku bent down to look at Lelouch's face, and was surprised to find it tinged with red. Had he embarrassed his friend? How? "Lelouch?"

Lelouch blinked and raised his head, then jerked it to the side, towards the trees. "Come with me."

"What?" Suzaku found himself blushing again, for no apparent reason, but he followed anyway, not quite sure, maybe too sure, about what Lelouch was getting at until he found himself leaning up against a tree with Lelouch's hand by his head. The rough bark dug into his back. That was _fast_, too fast, but even so he couldn't remember the last time he'd ever wanted anything for himself, and he was pretty sure that what he was feeling now was a mixture of want and apprehension. It was hard to tell. His head was a little cloudy.

"Lelouch?" he asked again. "What are you…"

"Don't ask," Lelouch said, sounding incredibly unsure of himself despite his demeanor. "I might snap out of it. Just consider this a…a 'thanks' for saving my life."

Suzaku swallowed, his throat dry, and opened his mouth to ask exactly _what_ "this" was, but he found himself suddenly unable to speak. There was something in the way.

Arthur did not appreciate being dropped, but a cat always lands on its feet.

--

_**A/N:** Had to do it. I wanted to write something like this for a long time, but when I saw the season finale I HAD to do it. Had to._

_This will probably have four parts. It will be short and hopefully pretty and I love these boys so much I cannot type an author's note coherently. Join me for the roller coaster ride that is Suzalulu. Lulusuzu. I personally don't think it matters._

_If you haven't seen the entire show, I recommend you stay far, far away. And with that, I'll see you next chapter._


	2. Closer

**Closer**

One of the things Princess Euphemia had said to him when they'd met that one time was, "I think unrequited love is the mark of a kind person." She'd meant it about Arthur, but it was, surprisingly, applicable now.

Suzaku didn't think that what Euphie had said was true, because then he would be one of the kindest people in the world, and he knew for certain that he wasn't. No matter how much he tried, there were stains on his soul which could not be erased.

Still, whenever Lelouch stared blankly out of the window, avoiding his gaze, Suzaku had to wonder whether he wasn't on Euphie's path to true kindness after all.

--

Lelouch wasn't sure what had possessed him to kiss Suzaku in the first place until he realized that he had been thinking about doing it ever since he had saved his friend from execution, the first time he donned his mask. Suzaku had walked away from him, from Zero, so determined to do the right thing, even at the expense of his own life. Lelouch had wanted to hate him, but couldn't, and he had the strangest urge to pull Suzaku back and—well, do _something_. Because dammit if that wasn't the only way to make Suzaku see that _someone _needed him to live…

Actually, it wasn't the only way. Lelouch knew that. He knew that very well. So why had he let himself go and do something so utterly stupid? As Zero, Lelouch couldn't afford any kind of relationship; it was too risky. And Suzaku being in the military, of all things, should have influenced his judgment.

But he'd done it anyway. And enjoyed it. And then, almost immediately, regretted it.

They were back in class now. Suzaku, like the good little soldier he was, was sitting straight up in his seat with his green eyes wide and attentive, his long, nimble fingers clenched around a pen as the teacher blathered on about Britannian history. Lelouch was leaning his head on his hand, nothing unusual. His bangs fell over his forehead, obscuring his eyes. Usually, that would hide the fact that they were closed, but today they were focused only on Suzaku, something Lelouch knew no one should see.

Homosexuality was practically taboo in Britannian culture, because what good was the "survival of the fittest" mentality the "fittest" weren't going to pass on their genes? People like that were considered "weak" and "unfit," even though Lelouch himself knew that generalization to be an egregious lie. When he was little, he'd caught his older brother Schneizel with a man. Of course, he'd sworn not to tell, but it made him wonder, even then. Schneizel was the only person who'd ever beaten Lelouch. Ever. At anything. No one would dare call him unfit. His sexuality was one of the best kept secrets in the royal family, and no one who knew looked down on him for it.

Lelouch personally felt that sexuality wasn't so cleanly cut and shouldn't be judged, but he felt that way about most aspects that Britannian snobs looked down on. Race. Physical impairment. Lelouch didn't consider himself gay; he simply accepted that there were people he loved and there were people he _loved_, and he didn't think gender would play a part in the latter, whenever he felt it. He loved all of his friends. _Love_ was something different entirely—he didn't think he'd ever felt that. Right now, Lelouch was willing, even eager, to dismiss his feelings as regular friend-love mixed with desperation and hormones.

Even though neither Suzaku nor Lelouch had brought up the incident since it occurred—afterward, Suzaku had walked dumbly back to his dorm, and Lelouch had let him, without any words of explanation—Lelouch had caught Suzaku glancing at him several times and looking away to hide a blush. He was so sensitive; when had he become so sensitive? Lelouch felt as if the other boy's presence was having the same effect on him. Despite himself, he couldn't help looking at Suzaku, either, thinking of how much, how well, he'd grown up. He was tan and healthy, thin, but muscular. His smile was second only to Nunnally's.

But _no_, Lelouch couldn't afford one more distraction. He _couldn't_. Especially if it came in the form of a young, Honorary Britannian military officer who happened to be his childhood best friend. Zero wouldn't suffer for Lelouch Lamperouge's feelings.

For once, Lelouch decided to pay attention in class. Queen Elizabeth was much less distracting than Suzaku.

--

Business as usual was usual, for a little while. Suzaku learned not to look at Lelouch so much; Lelouch learned not to think quite so much about Suzaku, and eventually it balanced out enough that they could interact with each other without any visible awkwardness. They were old friends, best friends, nothing more than friends, and that was perfectly alright for the moment.

For the moment. A terrorist named Zero took Britannia by storm when he and his Black Knights saved the hostages of a hotel jacking, and somehow Lelouch and Suzaku knew that their relationship, which had begun as friendship and had devloped into something else as a rash and hasty afterthought, was fast becoming one more storm cloud hovering over the horizon.

It wasn't a question of why; it was a question of when.

--

"I feel ridiculous."

Suzaku, who had been trying, without success, to make friends with Arthur, looked up at Lelouch, still in his cat ears and whiskers. He stood, clutching a long, black tail in a way that could only be characterized as embarrassed. Perhaps there was a touch of righteous indignation in there, too. It added a little color to his cheeks.

Whatever it was, something in the way Lelouch was standing made Suzaku laugh. "You look fine."

"I look like a _feline_."

From his box, Arthur gave an approving _yowl_, as if hailing a fellow member of his species. "Arthur doesn't seem to mind," Suzaku said. "And neither does anyone else. Besides you."

"This coming from the boy in the blue cat costume." Lelouch sighed and shook his head. "I'm washing off the whiskers, at least. Milly will have to accept that some people get tired of feeling ridiculous."

Suzaku started, and, for some reason, thought of the way he had been acting for the past two weeks. So many distractions…the hostage crisis at the hotel, the appearances of Zero, and yet, he had to admit that something else had been dragging at the back of his mind. That something had mostly only been affecting him during school days—and school days were intermittent for him, at best—but it was still enough to dampen his spirits and make him feel like a fool.

"Some people don't have a choice." He didn't realize he'd said it until he had said it. He looked up at Lelouch, who seemed puzzled, and said, "Nothing, I didn't mean—"

Lelouch blinked. "Didn't mean what?"

"I'm sorry. Forget I said anything." Suzaku thought that forgetting would be best. After all, Lelouch obviously hadn't meant anything when he—well—and Suzaku had been trying to push any sort of distraction away, even trying to get Shirley to confess her feelings, thinking that she would be better for Lelouch. Because Lelouch obviously didn't think of Suzaku in that way, and who was Suzaku to deny someone else happiness?

"Suzaku, is something…" Understanding dawned. For a smart guy, Lelouch could be incredibly clueless on occasion. Suzaku wondered how he hadn't noticed Shirley's crush on him, or his own. Perhaps he had selective perception; he only noticed what he wanted to notice. Suzaku didn't think of him that way—he thought Lelouch incredibly perceptive, noticing everything. Well, he had been wrong before.

Suzaku's cheeks burned. "Look," he said slowly. "Just forget it. I haven't been getting much sleep, I'm…well, I'm busy, and I haven't been thinking very clearly, and I don't want to cause you trouble, so, I won't. We don't have to mention that—what happened after we caught Arthur—ever again. I just want…I don't know. Some kind of closure."

"Closure."

"Kissing me and walking away wasn't exactly fair." Suzaku was surprised to hear himself put it so bluntly.

"No, it wasn't. Not to you." Lelouch paused again. "Look, Suzaku, I didn't want to hurt you, I just—"

He was cut off with a strangled exclamation when Suzaku seized his shoulders and pulled him forward. Suzaku feared he wasn't nearly as good at kissing people unexpectedly as Lelouch was, but the situation remedied itself when one of Lelouch's hands found its way into Suzaku's hair and the other boy began pressing back against him. The entire time, Suzaku felt overwhelmed and didn't believe he had a clue what he was doing, so he broke the kiss off a little early to apologize.

"I'm sorry," he said, well aware that he was about to babble (but he couldn't help that, surely what he'd just done was some kind of harassment and merited an apology), "but the last two weeks have been _awful_. You have no idea. And I just—I know I'm not very good at that, but I needed to know if you felt, well, anything, and I obviously couldn't ask you, and now we can feel free to never speak of this—"

"Suzaku?"

He felt oddly lightheaded as he said, "Yes?"

Lelouch leaned forward again. "You're forgiven. Now stop talking."

Suzaku was all too happy to comply.

--

(It was _this_, really.

Hands and mouths and a closeness that had always been there but had never quite been expressed in the right way, because the right way would have been unthinkable when they were younger. Suzaku had always known that Lelouch's hands were soft, a noble's hands, and Lelouch had thought Suzaku's full lips were funny when he was a child, but somehow they'd never been able to put this information together in the right way. Until now.

It wasn't that Suzaku was bad at kissing, because he wasn't; he'd just never had a chance to be good at it before. But he was a fast learner, and Lelouch, though his experience was only slightly less limited than Suzaku's, was a capable teacher.

None of that mattered, though, because what seemed like a physical relationship developing far too _soon_, too _soon_, was really a way for them to express the emotions they couldn't penetrate in speech: just how much Suzaku missed Lelouch, just how much Lelouch wanted to keep Suzaku safe, just how much both of them had worried in Shinjuku.

It couldn't be described any other way. It wasn't necessarily love, but it was _this_.

Even if they didn't know what "this" was just yet.)

--

A short time later, Lelouch pulled away to realize once again that he was doing something he shouldn't be doing, not if he wanted to be reasonable. He and Suzaku were leaning against the table, now—he couldn't even remember how they'd gotten there from across the room—Suzaku's hair was disheveled, and he'd lost the silly cat costume and wore only his school pants and undershirt. His cheeks were flushed, but his green eyes were feverishly bright. It was not a bad look for him, Lelouch decided, before remembering why he'd stopped them in the first place. They couldn't continue.

"I'm the one who should be apologizing," he said, sitting on the table's surface. "I suppose you could say I was 'leading you on?'"

"You could say that."

He quickly came up with an excuse. A reasonable excuse. "I just thought that it would be easier for you if we didn't get involved. You're in the army, and if they found out, they'd think…"

"I was overstepping my place?" Suzaku teased, sitting right next to Lelouch, and clasping his hands in his lap. "A Britannian and, well, a Number, I guess is how they'd think of it." He paused, and then said, "I don't think we'd really have a problem there."

"Not even if we're both male?"

"Oh." Suzaku's little smile vanished. "That."

"Yes, _that_." Lelouch sighed and stroked Suzaku's cheek with the pad of his thumb, and relished the way Suzaku responded, leaning against the palm of his hand, almost like Arthur would. He thought that he'd hate to give this up. Every time Suzaku looked at him with that sort of adoration was priceless. "I thought it would be better—for _you_, being in the military—if things remained the way they were. You don't seem to agree."

"Well, I don't think it matters anyway," Suzaku argued, his green eyes shining. "My boss wouldn't care if I were dating the Emperor himself, as long as I showed up at the base. Besides, in light of recent events, I'd rather tell you then let it remain bottled up. I…you need to know how much I…well…" He rested his head on Lelouch's shoulder, and Lelouch abandoned all hope of dissuading him, because he realized that neither he nor Suzaku wanted Suzaku to be dissuaded. If they kept their relationship fairly low-key, if he could use it to his advantage, even, then it wouldn't be harmful, it would just be one…one more unforeseen complication.

"I missed you," Suzaku said softly, melting Lelouch's all of thoughts of exploiting the other boy's feelings. He wouldn't sink that low. How could he? "Seven years, and I never met anyone like you. How's that possible?"

Lelouch kissed the top of his head. "I don't know."

Suzaku seemed a lot more comfortable now, studying the play of light across the tabletop. Lelouch slipped an arm around his waist, and Suzaku murmured, "'If your friendship continues, your reunion won't have been coincidence, it will have been predestined.'" He smiled again, sheepishly. "A friend of mine said that. I'm not sure I believe it."

Lelouch thought on all that had happened and said, "It seems about as likely as anything else." An idea struck him. It was a long shot, but worth a try. And it wasn't manipulation, it was persuasion. If Suzaku agreed, it would be a win-win situation. Assuming a grave face, he frowned. "I couldn't persuade you to give up the military, could you? At least for a little while."

Suzaku sat bolt upright, his eyes widening. "What? No! I'm sorry, Lelouch, I can't do that. I understand if you're worried about me, but—"

"I _am_ worried," Lelouch said, determined to press the issue. This would all be so much simpler if Suzaku wasn't in the Britannian. It bothered him. "I don't understand how you can still be a part of that system after you were framed. And it's getting more and more dangerous out there, Suzaku. The Black Knights—"

"Won't be an issue for very long," Suzaku said with such complete and blind conviction that Lelouch had to suppress a sigh. "Look, I know you're concerned, but I—" He stopped and looked down, clenching his hands. "I need to do this," he whispered. "It's the only way things are going to change. I know you're still angry with the Empire, but I…there's potential there, Lelouch."

"I understand," Lelouch said, although he _didn't_ understand how Suzaku could be so stubborn, and he didn't understand how anyone could possibly think the change Britannia needed would come from within. Swallowing back his argument, he pressed a finger to his lips. "We won't mention it again, okay?"

"I'm fine with that," Suzaku replied, visibly relieved. He leaned back again, and they sat in silence for a few seconds before he said, "They're going to come looking for us soon. Milly and the rest. We can't tell them."

Suzaku's statement wasn't a question, but Lelouch responded anyway. "No."

"That's a shame." Suzaku shrugged. "I'd rather they knew, but I know it's impossible."

"Well, there are already…secrets. My lineage. Our past." Lelouch stood and paced to the window, determined to keep his expression neutral, because of the secrets he was deliberately omitting. _Kallen's membership in the Black Knights_. _C.C.'s reappearance._ _The Black Knights themselves. Zero._

"One more secret isn't going to make a difference."

--

_A/N: Remember how I said this was going to be four parts? It's not. It's really not. I don't know how long it's going to be, but four is definitely out of the question now._

_Anyway, thanks to **WithABunny, Great Aunt Florence, Candelabra, AznAnimeChick, **and **A** for reviewing. Sorry I updated so late; school really fails in that regard. But I just watched 18 straight episodes of Geass with a friend (Geass fan conversion successful! Suzalulu fan conversion She likes C.C./Lulu, but this will change in time. Muahaha.) so I felt that an update was appropriate._

_Speaking of things that will change in time, enjoy this fluff. It will not last. As, you know, was foreshadowed by the last sentence. Guts!_

_The referenced quotes were from the english dub, eps. 5 and 7._

_Have a good week,_

_D_


	3. Sparks

**Sparks**

It wasn't easy, but no one said it was going to be.

To anyone else, they were friends, best friends: close, but not too close. Even while Lelouch's other friends thought he was growing apart from them, he always found time for Suzaku. And, when the mask of Zero beckoned, it was almost easy to leave Suzaku behind. Almost.

Suzaku was feeling the tug between the base and his school life much more than Lelouch was, perhaps because he'd rarely had the luxury of friends and of…whatever Lelouch was considered. Any of the usual words (flying fast through his mind in a stream of _friendboyfriendloverfriendwithbenefitsnothenwhat?_) didn't seem to fit quite right. Still, Suzaku knew where his commitment lay, where it had to lie—with Japan. And if that meant forcing himself away from Lelouch, well, he could do that. For some reason, even with all that he had at school, he felt that the base was more welcoming.

Still, one glance from a pair of violet eyes made it much harder to go.

--

It wasn't even the physical part which defined "them," because physicality was almost an afterthought. They were hardly ever alone together; there was too much going on for that, between their friends and Nunnally and the military or the Black Knights or just schoolwork. Their kisses were always hurried, the stolen sessions on the rooftop much too brief. On any given day, Lelouch might brush Suzaku's hand under the table with his fingertips, and that would be that, because Suzaku would be called away on military duties fifteen minutes later.

But none of that really mattered, because Lelouch would find, somewhere under his careless façade, a smile for Suzaku—with his eyes, if nothing else—which would make Suzaku feel a little warmer. That was what he needed, really, some warmth. He only knew one other person who had ever made him feel so comfortable: Lelouch's light-eyed half-sister, Euphemia. Perhaps warmth was an inherited trait?

But (and he knew Lloyd would scoff at him) Suzaku didn't feel that science had anyway to do with the way he felt when he'd come back from a day chasing the Black Knights and Lelouch would, privately, of course, say "I missed you."

Being missed, Suzaku figured, was one of the greatest things in the world.

--

And then they would fight.

Not fighting so much as arguing, and not arguing so much as disagreeing. It was as if one of them, and it was impossible to figure out which, had touched on a small fissure, a crack in their relationship, one that couldn't be repaired no matter how hard they tried.

The Black Knights. No matter how much Lelouch pressed the issue, he couldn't convince Suzaku (not with words, never with words) that they were doing more good than harm, because Suzaku was always trying to tell him the same thing, only vice versa. And they'd never apologize, but, without fail, they'd always find a way to make up.

A crack was just a crack, of course, and as long as Lelouch knew he couldn't change Suzaku, his mild frustration wasn't enough to spoil their relationship. Even though it grated on his nerves when they finished talking one day and Suzaku, with a smile, said he needed to get back to the base. That bothered him.

"Back to base," he muttered with distaste, later. "As if that's where he thinks he belongs."

And he couldn't help thinking, _Oh, Suzaku, if only you knew. _

And, later, as he fingered his Zero mask with C.C. looking on, he had to wonder, _But, if you did know, then what?_

--

And then…

A jumble. A landslide.

Narita.

--

Lelouch lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling, listening to the rainfall outside of the clubhouse window. He was glad to have his room to himself again; the look he'd had on his face when he came home that evening, soaked and dizzy and at once confused and pointlessly furious, was enough to alert C.C. to the fact that she should make herself scarce. She was probably raiding the fridge for leftover pizza. Well, let her. Everyone else was asleep, and Lelouch didn't care.

Not right now.

His Zero costume was tucked away in the suitcase stowed in the very bottom of his closet, but he was always wearing the mask. It wasn't something he could give up. He had told Kirihara: he had made his choice at Narita. He was Zero, he who would walk the path of blood, become the demon king. There was no going back.

So why did Shirley's tearful green eyes make him doubt his own resolve?

His ceiling was blank and offered no answers. Lelouch turned his cheek and rested it on the pillow, thinking that he should either fall asleep or shower, that this restless contemplation wasn't helping anyone. It had been a long day.

Soft steps echoed in the hallway outside. Perhaps C.C. had come to reclaim the bed. Lelouch closed his eyes, exasperated. Personal grief was so limited in scope; everyone else was content to go along with their lives, or whatever C.C. considered it. Not-life. Even so.

But then there was a knock on his door. C.C. never knocked, ungrateful woman, but Nunnally and Sayoko were sleeping…whoever it was knocked again, and Lelouch pulled himself up and together to open his door.

Suzaku stood there, disheveled, tired; he was wearing his rust colored military uniform, with the green tie that matched his green eyes. Green like Shirley's eyes, when she leaned against Lelouch's chest…Suzaku's eyes had faint circles beneath them, as if he'd spent a night working without sleeping, and there was something wild and frantic about his disposition. His thick brown hair was messy and dripping. Under the blanket of muted feeling, Lelouch felt a pang of concern.

"Suzaku…" He trailed off, unsure of exactly what to say, and yawned, as if he'd dozed off while studying and Suzaku's knock had awakened him. "Where were you today?"

Suzaku's reply was short and clipped. "Narita. Helping with the cleanup."

That explained his appearance. "Are you alright?" Lelouch asked, already knowing the answer. Of course he wasn't. Lelouch had _seen_ the destruction at Narita. And while it hadn't bothered _him_, Suzaku was of a decidedly different temperament. "It was pretty grisly out there. The mudslide went all of the way to the settlement."

Suzaku's eyes were fixed on the floor. "Shirley's father…was there."

"I heard. She told me." She'd done a little more than told him. In his mind's eye, he saw a flash of her light hair, slick with rain, her face, pale and twisted in anguish, her small white hands clinging to his jacket, and might have felt a little bit guilty.

A pause. Suzaku raised his head very slowly, his eyes searching Lelouch's face intently, as if scrutinizing his intentions. He placed his hands on Lelouch's shoulders. "Tell me," he said. "You…Lelouch, you believed the Black Knights were more effective than the police. You favored them."

Lelouch nodded, unable to deny the charges; they were all _true_, because the Black Knights _were_…

"Can you…you saw what they did." The bitterness and barely restrained anger in Suzaku's voice made Lelouch shiver. "The civilians killed in that landslide. You can't…you don't believe that that way is the right way?" His eyes were wide.

Lelouch remained silent.

"Le_louch_."

Finally, he said slowly, "I cannot condone the needless killing of civilians."

(Because he couldn't, because Narita was not supposed to happen that way, and he'd laughed it off at the time, but there were, there were human complications, and those couldn't be laughed off. Not when her hair shines in the rain and the droplets look like the tears clinging like dew to her eyelashes and he doesn't know what he's unleashed.)

Suzaku nodded. Any other time, that answer would have been unsatisfactory, even evasive, but the way he was now, it would do. "Thank you," he whispered.

He looked up at Lelouch with his green eyes shining, and Lelouch experienced sudden déjà vu, because he'd been here before, that same night, with someone else, and he knew what was going to happen before it did, and he knew that he was powerless to stop it.

Suzaku's lips tasted vaguely of salt, like Shirley's had, and Lelouch wondered if he was imagining it or if his friend had truly been crying. He wrapped his arms around Suzaku, who pushed him up against the doorframe, more forceful with Lelouch than he'd ever been. Lelouch wasn't worried, it was just an outlet, just a way for him to express his frustration, his concern: to Suzaku, who wanted to change the world through "honest" means, Narita must have been shocking.

"It could have been you," he whispered, kissing Lelouch's jaw, down his neck, his collarbone. "At Narita. It could have been you."

"No," Lelouch said, knowing very well that it could have been (but not in the landslide, no, at the hands of that white-head, the Lancelot), and wondering when he'd lost control (over everything, was how it seemed right now). His fingers, for some reason, were working furiously at Suzaku's jacket—goddamn it if he just wanted Suzaku _out_ of that uniform; it hurt Lelouch's eyes to see Suzaku dressed like that.

Suzaku caught his hand and leaned forward to whisper, "Let me stay."

Lelouch was too lost, lost in a haze of moral confusion and sexual confusion, to deny Suzaku anything right then, so he nodded and kept pulling at Suzaku's military jacket until it fell to the floor, and then, he was bombarded with all of the things he could never say, as Suzaku's calloused hands relieved him of his own jacket, and—

_It could easily have been _you_ at Narita, Suzaku, if you were there with the military. I wouldn't have forgiven myself if it was._

—Lelouch's shirt—

_I'm not doing this for myself. I'm doing it for Nunnally, for the Japanese. I'm doing it for you._

—Suzaku's belt, unfastened, with his pants, lying in a heap on the floor, just let C.C. trip over them if she tried to come in—

_There will be sacrifices you can't understand (was this one?)_.

—Lelouch stopped thinking at all as Suzaku pressed him back into his sheets, their mouths fused together, Suzaku's hands all over him, as if he was confirming that Lelouch was real, that this was real. Suzaku had grown up so beautiful, but Lelouch knew that he'd never be honest enough to tell him. He saw, in the echo of a dream, Shirley's pursed lips just before she leaned up into him, looking for comfort that he couldn't honestly give her.

Then it was gone, and all that there was was _Suzaku_, looking for the same comfort that couldn't be given honestly, either.

--

When Suzaku woke up, he didn't know where he was, at first, until he recognized that the walls were not the walls of his dorm room, or that the soft pitter-patter he was hearing was the sound of someone typing, not of rain.

And then he remembered.

He sat up too quickly, and suffered a momentary dizzy spell, then felt cool air on his bare chest and shivered, pulling the blankets closer. They smelled of sweat and sex—there was a good reason for that, he supposed, and felt irrationally, momentarily, giddy, before realizing that Lelouch should be next to him, and wasn't.

Suzaku began to peer around the room. Before he saw Lelouch, he spotted the bowl of cold cereal on the nightstand, and looked at it quizzically. When had that gotten there? It wasn't there last night, he thought, but he couldn't remember very well…it was all a sort of a blur…

"It's for you," Lelouch said from his computer. "I told Sayoko I wasn't feeling well and wanted breakfast in my room. I figured you'd be hungry."

"Thank you." He inclined his head before taking the bowl, but, although he was indeed hungry, he couldn't eat. There was something cold in Lelouch's voice which worried him. After a few spoonfuls, Suzaku set it down on the nightstand and studied Lelouch. He had showered; his dark hair was still wet. He'd thrown on some black pants and a simple shirt, and Suzaku couldn't help remembering how he'd looked without any of them on, how beautiful Lelouch's pale skin was. He looked away.

"So," he said awkwardly. "How are you?"

"Fine," Lelouch said curtly, seemingly absorbed in whatever he was doing. Suzaku leaned forward a little before realizing that it was a list of the Narita dead.

No, no, this was all wrong. Lelouch shouldn't be so distant, not now. Had Suzaku done something he shouldn't have? And he knew that the answer was _yes_, he had, he'd gone and slept with Lelouch and that had ruined everything, because it was too soon for that, and he'd only had the tiniest nod of permission, and _oh hell_ what had he done? He was just…it sounded strange, but he hadn't known what else to _do_…after Shirley's father, anyone could be killed.

He opened his mouth to apologize, but Lelouch cut him off. "Don't you dare. You have nothing to be sorry for."

Suzaku shook his head. "But, I—it was much too soon to—"

"You didn't do anything wrong. I'm just a bit preoccupied. I just wanted to see if I recognized any of the other names, and you were still asleep…" He paused, and leaned back in his chair, tapping the edge of the desk nervously with his fingernails. _Tic-a-tac_. "Shirley kissed me last night," he said finally. "Before you came. I didn't mean it to happen, and she was, well, distraught. I thought you deserved to know."

"Oh." Suzaku thought for a moment, a little relieved that the sex wasn't the cause of Lelouch's aloofness. "That's fine, then."

Lelouch seemed a little taken aback. "What?"

"I said, 'that's fine.'" And Suzaku was surprised to find that he meant it. He was confused for a moment, until he found the reason: Lelouch's public face was different from the one he wore with Suzaku. Shirley couldn't begin to understand what the two of them shared, and it seemed to Suzaku that a girl would want something different from Lelouch anyway. Shirl0ey, of all people, needed that now. And she was kind; if Lelouch and Suzaku couldn't be open about their relationship, then Suzaku thought Shirley was on the list of people who deserved what Lelouch could give her, which would always, always, be different from what he gave Suzaku.

Suzaku, smiling to himself a little, thought that Lelouch wouldn't be quite so willing to share him, and thought, unbidden, of Euphemia. He shook his head. "You love her. You love all of your friends."

Lelouch crossed to the bed and sat down, cupping Suzaku's face in his palm and kissing him between his eyes, then on the bridge of his nose, and then, lingering, on his mouth. "Not like that," he said, all seriousness.

Suzaku took Lelouch's hand and pressed the back of it to his lips, closing his eyes. "I know." He opened his eyes again and saw a strange expression on Lelouch's face. "What?"

"Nothing. I'm relieved that you're back to normal." He shifted to get a little closer, and Suzaku noticed him wince.

"Did I hurt you?" he asked, concerned.

Lelouch shook his head. "Not really. Besides, I think…it's supposed to hurt the first time."

"That's hardly fair." Suzaku balled his hands into fists and pressed them into the blankets, staring down at them. He could feel the warmth in his cheeks and knew he was blushing, and it made him even more embarrassed. But he hadn't meant to hurt Lelouch at all. He sat like that for a minute, perfectly still, until he felt a finger tip his chin upward.

"Of course," Lelouch said, "the second time…"

Suzaku sank back down, smiling again, and Lelouch followed, leaning over him, with a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. He trailed little kisses down Suzaku's torso, making him dizzy. It was strange—in an instant, he forgot about the Narita tragedy, Shirley, everything. Lelouch looked up at him.

"Just tell me if I do something wrong."

Lelouch was Lelouch; he never did anything wrong. The second time around they were much gentler, much more controlled, and Suzaku found that he was able to remember everything very clearly, and afterwards Lelouch stayed in bed with him and nestled against the contours of his body, and they fit so well that Suzaku wondered why there had to be the Black Knights, or military duties, or obligations at all. They could just stay like this forever, couldn't they?

"You know," said Lelouch, running his fingers lazily over Suzaku's right arm, "I really…I care about you."

"I know," said Suzaku, who knew that that was as good as an "I love you" coming from Lelouch, and added, "Me, too."

He drifted back to sleep, feeling thoroughly contented despite whatever would come tomorrow.

--

_**A/N:** And we all know what's coming tomorrow is not gonna be great, yeah?_

_Dose of angst in this chapter, then more fluff. Angst usually means more angst, though, and the next couple of arcs I have to cover are not pretty. Then, of course, we get to Euphie...Ooh, I'm being her for Halloween, so I feel the tiniest bit of attachment to her character, even though I'll admit I was crying "Mary-Sue" when I originally watched the series (a bit of jealousy, perhaps?). Suzaku's talk of "sharing" is obviously foreshadowing._

_-sigh- I really wish this series gave me a little more room to maneuver; timeframe is so cramped. Ordinarily I wouldn't let their physical relationship progress this quickly, but for some reason it struck me as a natural development from Narita, which obviously affected Suzaku and Lelouch in radically different ways. So there's unquestionably some time between Episode 9, which is referenced again in this episode, and the Narita arc, where Lelouch and Suzaku can do, you know, normal secret relationship stuff. Actually, I kinda always assumed a time gap because the Black Knights were rising to power and getting organized and such. Anyway, not as much time as I'd like, but these are special circumstances, and I'd imagine that Suzaku, if not Lelouch, is feeling inwardly a little clingy towards people he cares about._

_Anyway, I'm tired and rambling, so I'll cut to the chase: thanks **Crispy Rice, Great Aunt Florence, GoGothGirl, Tsuki no Akebono, Candelabra, **and** AznAnimeChick** for reviewing! My school workload got much better after Wednesday, so I was able to update more quickly for you guys._

_Until we meet again,_

_D_


	4. Allegiance

**Allegiance**

Despite himself, Suzaku began to worry if Lelouch was telling him the whole truth. He was sure Lelouch cared for him deeply, of course, he just couldn't be sure about everything else.

They seemed to see each other less and less. Suzaku was away on military duties more and more often, it seemed, and Lelouch was mysteriously absent a lot of the time. Suzaku wasn't sure what it was, perhaps gambling—Rivalz said Lelouch gambled often, although he'd given it up recently, but he might have been starting up again—and who was he to begrudge Lelouch secrets, when he had so many secrets of his own?

It was easy to forget about his suspicions when he was with Lelouch, of course. When he was with Lelouch he was delirious with relief and happiness and all sorts of emotions he could never quite put into words, which was fine, since Lelouch never asked what they were. Theirs was a kind of assumed affection, unspoken, which neither of them would have possibly been able to describe. Now that they had even less time together, they made up for it every way they could. Suzaku hoped, rather selfishly, he never got tired of the feelings he got from Lelouch's touches or his kisses or even the smallest of his smiles.

When he wasn't with Lelouch—and not all of the time, just in those quiet, restless moments when Suzaku was waiting in the Lancelot cockpit for his orders to be given, or after the battle, when his thoughts would turn to the strangest places—he would remember how tired his friend always looked, and how frequent his strange disappearances were. Suzaku thought he might piece together a picture, a puzzle, that way…Lelouch had the motive, and he was certainly smart enough…

But no, he couldn't. He couldn't think like that. Lelouch was Lelouch and not Zero, and that was the bottom line.

And his suspicions dissipated whenever he was with Lelouch, so he chalked it up to his lack of sleep and left those crazy theories alone.

--

Losing Shirley was almost too much.

Lelouch hid it well, of course. No one needed to know, least of all C.C., although that witch could probably tell anyway. It was easy to maintain the façade that he and Shirley had simply had some kind of falling out, and that she was upset with him. Hell, Milly seemed to think that he harbored some feelings for Shirley and that this was just a lover's spat. Well, let her. It was easier that way.

The terrifying thing—and terrifying was perhaps too strong of a word, but it was the only word that fit—was that he _may_ have loved Shirley, and hadn't realized it until he lost her. He hadn't realized, naïvely, perhaps, that his secret life would have such personal repercussions. This awakening made him extremely possessive, although he did his best not to show it, of anything or anyone that could possibly belong to him. This included Nunnally, above all. Perhaps C.C., too, who he seemed to, vexingly, increasingly rely upon.

And then there was Suzaku, who undoubtedly fit into the same category of "people who belonged to him" but in a much different way. For the first time, he had to question the depth of his feelings. Would he be forced to sacrifice Suzaku's love, too, to this double life?

Because Lelouch was sure that was Suzaku felt was just that. Love. He knew, somehow, that as long as he gave Suzaku a reason, Suzaku would follow him to the ends of the earth. And it was curious, because Suzaku loved so unquestioningly, so purely, so strongly, in so many different directions: he loved Lelouch, he loved his duty, there might even be—Lelouch thought with a jealous pang—other _people_ whom he loved, and he managed to love them all with so much of himself that Lelouch sometimes felt overwhelmed.

But did Lelouch _love_ Suzaku? His situation would be so much easier if he didn't, yet his emotions had never made things easy for him. He prided himself on his logical mind, but he was too empathetic. He undeniably loved Suzaku as a friend, yet something more wouldn't be entirely unthinkable…he wasn't sure he knew enough to decide, and that was frustrating.

The afternoon following the incident at Narita with Shirley and Mao, Suzaku, weary from a day of military duties, had shown up at the Clubhouse to say his hellos—to Lelouch and Nunnally before anyone else—and ended up staying for dinner quite by accident. Perhaps, Lelouch thought, he just wanted to keep Suzaku close by, or perhaps the poor boy looked so tired that Lelouch couldn't possibly have turned him away. He let Suzaku sleep on his bed while he helped Nunnally with homework, then invited him to stay. C.C. was out looking for Mao, anyway, and he wouldn't have to worry about Suzaku seeing her.

After he had put Nunnally to bed, Lelouch went with Suzaku to his room, and they ended up just sitting in his bed, not talking, Suzaku playing absentmindedly with Lelouch's long, pale fingers. It was a comfortable silence, and Suzaku leaned his head on Lelouch's shoulder, closing his eyes. He opened his mouth to speak just as Lelouch did.

"Um—"

They broke off and looked at each other. Smiling, Lelouch said, "You go first."

"Well." Suzaku looked down. "I just wanted to say that this is nice. It's funny—with all that's going on, you're such a constant, and I can't—I need a constant."

_Am I?_ Lelouch thought. But he said, "I sometimes feel that way, too."

"Mhm." Suzaku brought the back of Lelouch's hand to his mouth, and something in the way he did it reminded Lelouch of the chivalry of old, and what a wonderful, old-fashioned knight Suzaku would have been.

Maybe it was then that he got the idea to make Suzaku Nunnally's knight. Maybe it was later. But certainly the seeds of an idea were planted then, and Lelouch felt a certain, inexplicable rush of warmth.

"Be careful in the military. I don't want to lose you, too," he thought of saying, but he decided to kiss Suzaku instead, feeling that that might just be the best way to convey it.

He hadn't really intended to go anywhere else with it, but after a few minutes Suzaku broke away and nuzzled against his collarbone and said sheepishly, "Do you remember what happened, the last time we were…?"

And of course Lelouch _did_—he could hardly forget—but he didn't know if he could breach that territory again, if Suzaku would let him, and he didn't want to take without asking, because he'd done enough of that lately. But Suzaku put his lips to Lelouch's ear and whispered, "Would it be too selfish to want that again?" at which Lelouch had to laugh a little, remembering a point in time where Suzaku hadn't been this selfless.

"People are selfish," he said, relieving Suzaku of his jacket, his shirt. "But you are one of the least selfish people I know, Suzaku, and _this_ isn't selfish at all."

"I wouldn't say that," Suzaku replied, half to himself, but before Lelouch could ask what he meant Suzaku kissed him again, and at that point any sort of conversation was a lost cause.

_He_ does_ belong to me_, Lelouch thought with wonder, tracing the line of Suzaku's jaw with his fingers. And, on the subject of selfishness, perhaps it was selfish to think so, but it was true. There was Suzaku, looking every inch Michelangelo's _David_ and utterly unaware of how beautiful he was, who was peering up at Lelouch almost expectantly, with a silly little curious half-smile on his face, and it seemed to Lelouch, right then, that he didn't need to worry about losing Suzaku at all. Suzaku was his.

A short time later—Lelouch wasn't sure exactly how long it was, he was otherwise occupied—the door cracked open, and he saw one golden eye hover outside under green bangs before shutting the door quietly. Suzaku didn't see it, or, at least, he didn't indicate that he had seen it, so Lelouch waited until the other boy had fallen asleep to investigate.

He pulled on his pants and opened the door, immediately spotting C.C., who was leaning up against the wall in her street clothes, looking to the side, slightly bemused. "Are you sure that's wise?" she asked dryly.

"Perfectly," he snapped, although he wasn't. "My personal life isn't any of _your_ business." Turning the knob reenter his room, he added, "I suggest you find somewhere else to sleep tonight."

He closed the door on her, but listened for a moment. "It is curious, isn't it?" he heard C.C. say to herself. "Zero and the soldier from Shinjuku. He always was so stubborn." Then a sigh. "I suppose not. He's going to pay, though, for making me take the couch."

--

Suzaku was glad, for once, when Arthur bit his hand in the Student Council room.

It gave him an excuse for turning red as a tomato when Rivalz attempted to describe Lelouch's romantic inexperience.

--

And then, _Nunnally_.

Because Lelouch should have known better than this, should have known better than to allow Mao any kind of freedom, should never, never have thought the madman was gone for good until he'd seen him die. And now Nunnally's life, too, was on the line.

But he had a plan. Now that he had Suzaku with him, he knew what to do. Saving Nunnally would require absolute faith in himself and in his friend, but he could do it.

After all, he had that kind of faith.

Lelouch gave Suzaku his instructions, then turned and willed himself to forget.

--

But Lelouch knew, now.

Suzaku wasn't sure how that other man, Mao, had known his secret, but it didn't matter, he'd said it, and now Lelouch knew, and Lelouch was bound to hate Suzaku for it. The words seemed to echo, still, in the chapel – _father killer, murderer, death wish, wretched, brat…_an endless loop, reminding him always of his sin, the one that couldn't be washed away.

How could anyone even bear to look at him, now? Just being reminded, he felt impure, unclean, filthy…he remembered his small hands, stained with his father's blood, and almost wanted Lelouch to reject him. He deserved it. Oh, how much he knew he deserved it.

"Suzaku," Lelouch said—it seemed like he was speaking from six thousand miles away—"What Mao said…did you do it? Did you kill your own father?"

Suzaku was incapable of any response, so he just looked at Lelouch, oddly fearful, shocked, pained.

"I see," Lelouch said. "It's not just your secret, is it?"

"Lelouch, I—"

So this was the end, then. The end of everything they'd ever shared. Lelouch couldn't still want him after this, even just as a friend. That was it. It was over. There seemed to be a dull emptiness where Suzaku's heart was, and he thought he was used to the emotional void that accompanied the memories of his father's murder, but it was all the more potent this time, when someone who was not him reminded him of that sin, and when his best, dearest friend had been around to hear…

"…Prime Minister Genbu Kururugi killed himself in order to stop those in his Cabinet who called for a do-or-die resistance. The story was a necessary one," Lelouch was saying, almost as if he was trying to justify it himself. "For Japan, and Britannia."

What? So Lelouch didn't…?

Suzaku's shoulders unknotted. "Thank you for that," he said softly.

Lelouch simply stood there for a moment, studying Suzaku with a measured intensity, and Suzaku feared that this was how it was always going to be, that Lelouch had accepted him but rejected him, too, that they would lose that special closeness that they'd shared. But then Lelouch took a few, hesitant steps toward the altar, and held out his hand.

"Come on," he said. "Let's get out of here. You'll feel better."

"Yeah," Suzaku said weakly. "Class."

"We can skip."

Suzaku grabbed onto Lelouch's hand, willing to ignore how his friend's fingertips trembled a little in his grasp. Mao's words. _Murderer_. Suzaku's hands still had traces of his father's blood. He felt the self-revulsion gathering in his throat again as he remembered how hard it had been, how easy, how much force Suzaku had to put behind the knife but then how the blade had sunken in, like it was sinking into butter, only butter didn't bleed…how Lelouch could stand, still, to touch him, however innocently, _knowing_ what he had done…

"Suzaku."

He looked up at Lelouch, who slung a supporting arm around his shoulder. "We can stay at the Clubhouse," Lelouch said. "Sayoko won't mind. Or on the roof. No one will look for us up there."

"Thanks, I just…" Suzaku swallowed again. "The roof," he murmured. "Air."

"I know."

_How could he know?_ Suzaku wondered. _How could he possibly know?_ But then something occurred to him: maybe Lelouch didn't know what felt like, to carry that overwhelming burden of guilt, but he understood.

After carrying around that same burden for all of these years, perhaps mere understanding was enough for comfort.

--

Lelouch and Suzaku, for all of their ideological differences, shared a similarity:

When necessary, they both took without asking.

--

Perhaps that was why knowledge of Suzaku's secret had bothered Lelouch so much at first. He and Suzaku were both guilty, undoubtedly, of murder, but Suzaku's guilt had driven him towards reckless redemption, while Lelouch's had simply embroiled him in sin, so that his only repentance for the blood he shed was covering it up with more blood.

Zero, of course, scorned Suzaku for robbing a country of its free will. But that was Zero, not Lelouch, and the two of them were separate entities when dealing with Suzaku, because Suzaku was not actively involved with opposing Zero. True, he was in the military, and true, he'd spoken against Zero to Lelouch's face, but when Lelouch went out with his Black Knights to fight Cornelia and her unit, and, on occasion, that powerful white Knightmare, the Lancelot, he was not fighting against Suzaku directly. Suzaku's loyalties were clear, but he was not Lelouch's enemy.

But if Suzaku wanted to fight for the Britannians to repent, perhaps Lelouch could show him a different cause, one that would, no doubt, benefit them _both _in the long run.

Lelouch needed someone to protect Nunnally when he was Zero, and Suzaku, in dealing with Mao, had proven adept at that. Suzaku cared for Nunnally, and she cared equally for him, as if he were another brother. If Suzaku was Nunnally's knight (of a sorts), then the dilemma would be solved.

And then Suzaku would always be nearby, and Lelouch wouldn't need to worry about him so much. Keeping Suzaku nearby had other advantages as well, but Lelouch was concentrating more on the selfless than the selfish.

Although he would have been lying if he didn't admit that Nunnally's enthusiastic "I adore him!" in reference to Suzaku made him momentarily wary, almost jealous.

It didn't matter. This plan worked out perfectly from all angles. Suzaku and Nunnally would be safe, and he would be free to act as Zero, destroying his remaining obstacles one by one.

He would start, he decided, with the Lancelot, that pesky Knightmare that always seemed to get in the way. Taking out Britannia's White Knight would solve so many other problems.

Then, well…he could begin to set his grander plans in action.

--

Suzaku was reluctant to leave Lelouch and Nunnally, especially this soon after the Mao incident, but even as he and Cécile headed out to the base, he felt a strange sort of apprehension.

He wondered, vaguely, whether he would get to see Princess Euphemia again, before dismissing the question with a tiny flash of guilt. "Do you know what they need us for?" he asked Cécile.

She shook her head. "No. But Lloyd said it was important."

Of _course_ Euphie wouldn't be there; the art festival was tonight, and she was a judge. _No_. He closed his eyes, wondering why it felt traitorous to think of Euphemia all of a sudden, and decided to think of how happy Nunnally had looked that afternoon, and how Lelouch had been so warm, even with all that had happened…

But then they arrived, and Suzaku didn't have time to think on any of that. He had a job to do.

--

It was funny—now that the hatch was open, Zero was surprised. He hadn't expected the Lancelot's pilot to be so very young. His head was down, but his posture was defiant, strong, even in defeat. His hair was thick, brown, and wavy, almost, oddly, reminiscent of Suzaku's hair. That was all Zero could see of him, his head and his upper body. No matter. Whoever he was, he would be dead in a moment anyway.

But then he looked up. His green eyes were fierce and glaring.

Zero would have—should have—simply noticed that there was a Japanese boy at the controls, and found it strange, nothing more.

Lelouch only saw Suzaku.

--

Far away from the battle, a young princess of Britannia looked at the screen in the art gallery and said to a host of bewildered reporters, "The knight I have chosen will be the young man you see before you—Warrant Officer Suzaku Kururugi."

She said it proudly and without any shame, knowing, in her heart, that this was the best choice.

--

Lelouch, feeling as though his own heart had somehow broken into a thousand tiny pieces, laughed.

--

_A/N: Well, I told you the fluff wasn't going to last. It's a shame, too._

_Not much to say for this chapter, but I have to go and wanted to post it before I left, so I don't have time to thank all of my wonderful reviewers individually. You guys are awesome! :)_

_Congrats to the _Code Geass _category for breaking 1,000 fics!_

_Um...those of you who can, go vote tomorrow!_

_Yeah. That's about it. See you soon,_

_D_

_P.S. Something silly is going on with my formatting._


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